Locke is Great

Welcome Home

2008-09-21T03:54:00.001-07:00

Don't worry, everything will be OK.

Aint No Island Weird Enough...

2008-05-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

So, Jacob's told John to "move the island". Simple, ridiculous and baffling as only Lost can be. Also, Locke is the new Ben. There's much to think about, so let's indulge in a critical appreciation of John Locke's life and work, as portrayed in this episode.

1. Locke: So fucking special.

I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo; and most of all, I'm not Locke. Still, I'm not the only one. Take a look at these weirdos:

Weirdos have been following John all through his life. First weirdo came to him as a boy - the mysteriously ageless Richard Alpert, who brought John some things that weren't his and asked him which of them were his: and when John chose (no doubt correctly) Richard shat his pants and ran away like a silly little girl with silly little pigtails. John chose the knife, you see. Even as a poor adopted kid who liked board games and having a side parting, John nurtured a dark, awesome passion for adventure and bloody carnage.
Second weirdo, apparently called Matthew Abandon, or something, disguised himself as an 'orderly' (which is Americanadian for 'porter') insisted he was "a lot more than just an orderly" and told John to go on a walkabout. John initially regarded this idea as bonkers: Matthew the bonkers porter hadn't apparently noticed that he'd just moments ago picked John up from a physiotherapy session, which John had attended, quite sensibly, because his father crushed his spine with gravity and greed. Still, spooky Matthew was quite adamant that John was to go to Australia and walk about, which as we well know, he eventually did, or almost did, choosing instead to survive a plane crash and recover the use of his legs in the process, and the rest is the history; and by 'history' I of course mean the best bits of the first three series of 'Lost'.

2. Locke:d

This was jolly clever wasn't it? Locke - locked in a...locker. Hilarious.

No doubt John's contemporaries at school had a fondness for such visual puns, as all good teenagers do when they're not fiddling with their privates (and if they're lucky, somebody else's privates). I refuse to accept that they'd locked Locke in the locker out of spite or malice - as is suggested in this scene - but rather out of fear and overwhelming sexual urges. They locked up Locke for their own protection. Needless to say, in a deleted scene that's been deleted from the "deleted scenes" section of the DVD (but trust me, it's there) John explains to the masses that locking him in a locker would be an excellent practical introduction to conceptual art. He convinces his classmates, of course, of the higher aesthetic purposes at work here - and his intelligence, charm and wit physically causes the panties of every cheerleader in a radius of 50ft to dissolve, and a super time is had by all. So anyway, that's what really happened. I know how these things work: I've seen "She's All That" and "Mean Girls". Cheerleaders are always sexy bitches and people who are good at science always have nosebleeds. It's destiny.

3. Locke: He gives you fever. Jungle fever.

When you go back and watch Lost from the beginning, you realise that Locke's fundamental raison d'etre is simply to spend as much time in the jungle as possible getting sweaty and violent. This has been one of the highest joys of Season 4 so far: Locke's spent every episode since the finale of last season in the jungle, and has only changed his tee-shirt once.

This week he went back to work on one of his many side projects: neuromancy. When John doesn't know what to do, he just goes to sleep (with one eye open, mind) and waits for the spirits to tell him what to do. They always do.

Thanks Horace. By the way, your nose is bleeding. That means you're good at science. I have to ask though, who are the "we" that have been waiting for John for such a long time? Would it be too far-fetched to suggest that "we" actually refers to everyone in the entire fucking world? No, I don't think it would. Now that it seems not only Ben but Jacob himself has given John the keys to the island, John's taking this bad boy on tour.

PS. For those of you who like stories to have a moral, the moral of this story is: abandon Locke as a baby and you will get hit by a car. It's destiny.

Fuck yeah.

Thanks to Lost Easter Eggs for most the screencaps.
This post is mirrored at The OPINION

'Cabin Fever' Fever

2008-05-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

Here is John sitting down for a chinwag with Jacob. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. Tomorrow. Oh John, you give me fever!

Yes indeed, faithful friends, rejoice and be glad, for this week's episode of 'Lost' - finally - is a Locke-centric episode. It is called 'Cabin Fever' and it will be the greatest episode ever. Check back here in 48 hours for the fruits of my appreciation of this defining moment in western civilization.
Here is the obligatory youtube:

ONE MAN WILL GET A GLIMPSE INTO HIS DESTINY!

Oh....yes....John.....JOHN!!!!

The Wisdom of John #1

2008-02-25T09:28:00.000-08:00

One of John's very first disciplines was a young man with the implausible name of Boone. He's dead now but don't be sad, he was a sacrifice the island demanded. Anyway, in his brief stint as a student of John the Great, Boone learned many things: one of them being, when Locke starts telling a story, you listen. You pay attention. It might not even begin in a language you understand. That's just Locke's way of making you understand. Quoth Boone, in the episode 'Hearts and Minds':

"So, not to be too difficult, but we've been coming here for two days and just staring at this thing [the hatch]. Not really sure what we're supposed to be doing."

To which Locke replied...

"Sto lavorando. Michaelangelo's father. He was a wealthy man, who had no understanding of the divinity in his son, so he beat him. No child of his was going to use his hands for a living. So Michaelangelo learned not to use his hands. Years later, a visiting prince came into Michaelangelo's studio and found the master staring at a single, 18ft block of marble. Then he knew that the rumours were true: that Michaelangelo had come in every day for the past four months, stared at the marble, and gone home for his supper - so the prince asked the obvious, 'what are you doing?' - and Michaelangelo turned round and looked at him and whispered, 'Sto lavorando' - I'm working. Three years later that block of marble was the statue of David".

To which Boone replied:

OK, he didn't, but that's what he was thinking.

His name is John Locke, and...

2008-02-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

...oh my good Lord. This week's episode, entitled "Eggtown" features one of the most stunningly, orgasmically cool Lockean moments ever captured on camera. It goes like this:

Locke, prison warden to Ben (about whom we care marginally because he's a super actor playing a super actor) and Miles (about whom we care not a bean beyond his value as a significant plot device) goes to introduce himself to this Miles chap. This is Miles:

Hungry, Miles?

"I realise that when I tied you up in here the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself: my name is John Locke, and I'm responsible for the wellbeing of this island...I learned something yesterday - no use having rules if there's no punishment for breaking them. You'll be fine if you bite down on the trigger. Enjoy your breakfast"...

...which is without even the briefest glimpse of a doubt's shadow, the coolest thing anyone has ever said as they shoved a grenade into another man's mouth and pulled out the pin.

John, I'm lost for words.

John Locke, Lost, Lost S04E04, Eggtown

The Economist

2008-02-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

Tonight's episode of Lost is called 'The Economist' and stars John Locke as himself, with an ensemble supporting cast of fools, hypocrites, silly little girls and inferiors. Here is a "sneak peak":

We don't see very much of John in this 30 second clip but no doubt he has a pivotal role to play. (Pause it at 00:03 just after Sayid says "a war is coming" to see a typically condescending expression from mighty mighty John). I predict he'll rip off his shirt to reveal all the secrets of the island tattooed on to his torso. Then Claire, Kate and Sun will throw themselves at him and a super time will be had by all.

See you there.

John Locke, Lost, Lost S04E03, The Economist

The Return of John

2008-02-12T10:15:00.000-08:00

Bloody hell.

Who's your daddy?

I said, who's your daddy?!

That's right. John Locke. He's back, and how empty and pointless life has been without John to give us spiritual guidance, tell us parables and kill and destroy for the greater good of who-knows-what-but-it-doesn't-matter-because-if-Locke's-doing-it-it-must-be-right?

Notice how inadequate the supporting cast of Locke (OK, then, if you must, of Lost) are in the presence of John. Notice how when John's in the vicinity, the downright incompetent mongness of everybody else shines through.

When Locke talks, you listen. When Locke kills something or someone, you applaud. When Locke takes a break, you offer him sexual favours. It's the natural order of things.

Are you listening?

You're not, are you? Well shut your mouth and listen good.

"If you want to live, you need to come with me".

- John Locke, Season 4 episode 1 - "The Beginning of the End".

And then everyone went with him. Except Jack and Kate, who (we can only conclude) obviously want to die. Oh well, never mind. They're only minor characters. I'm following John wherever he goes.

I know, I know. I'm scum. I'll keep my mouth shut. Please feel free to use me as a human shield if the island tells you to. Thanks John.

Thanks.

John Locke, Lost, The Beginning of the End, Confirmed Dead, Lost S04E01, Lost S04E02

Award-winning John

2007-09-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

John Locke once again succeeds in life where so many others have failed by winning an award, accepting it with grace and dignity and - despite, or amazingly enough even because of - wearing a pink shirt, looking more like a man than you or I ever will. Congratulations John. You're even willing to pretend you're only an actor on a television programme. You are the world's strongest man.

John-Locke, Lost

The Importance of Being Shot

2007-05-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

Don't think even for a moment that Locke's going to die. Alright, he's been shot in the stomach - perhaps even his one remaining kidney - and left for dead in a deep, open grave full of smelly skeletons in the middle of the "jungle of death", miles from anyone who could help. This, remember is a man who killed a polar bear with a bottle of hairspray. In the dark. A man who out-conned a conman. A man who fell eight stories from a building and broke his spine, and survived. A man who survived a plane crash, with the very same broken spine, and miraculously healed himself before the rest of the survivors had even got over their hair being all messed up. A man who even an invisible man asks for help. So you see, there's really no doubt that John Locke will live to kick another arse.

Bad day at the office, John?

It's always a great pleasure to see Locke and Ben confronting each other because they're the two best characters on 'Lost'. I have the sneaking suspicion that John may end up killing Ben. That would be a shame, but inevitable, and part of John's destiny. Remember, John's destiny matters more than anyone else's.

What are we to make of the un-appearance of Jacob? It was a classic piece of 'Lost' headfucking. "OK then, we'll tell you all the answers by introducing a new character who's the real leader of the others. He lives in a cabin out in the jungle, come on.... Ha ha! He's invisible!" But apparently, he might not be. Go here to see some slow-mo revelation. It's obvious to me that anyone who's intelligent enough to ask for Locke's help within one minute of meeting him knows what's what. Hi, Jacob.

Locke John Locke Lost The Brig The Man Behind the Curtain

The Nine Billion Names of Locke

2007-04-19T12:58:00.001-07:00

In the month I've been offline our hero has gone through something of a metamorphosis. There were those, even among the faithful, who had begun to doubt Locke's sanity, rationality and heroic credentials. Not me of course, but there were a significant number who found Locke's behaviour after the explosion of The Flame bizarre, out of character even. Why take explosives with you on your mission to rescue Jack from The Others and not tell the rest of your rescue party about it? Why so carelessly sacrifice your prisoner, a man who could have told you so much about the mysteries of the island – an island you have all but fallen in love with – even after he's revealed that somewhere on that very island there's a submarine that could take you home? Well isn't it obvious? Because you're John Motherfucking Locke, that's why. And when John Locke goes on a dangerous mission with only three companions – a trained soldier/reformed psychopath, an escaped convict caught in the world's least sexy love triangle and a hermetic nutcase who couldn't find her own daughter after sixteen years of living only a few hours walk away from her – you don't come up with some wussy scheme to avoid that danger, you bring more danger with you. What's more, you don't even tell anyone else about it, putting you in danger not just with your enemies, but with your friends. You take danger, you pile more danger upon it, and multiply that danger by DANGER. Really, such people don't have friends, they don't need friends: as far as John's concerned, you're either his loyal disciple, or an irritating inconvenience. Friends are for the weak.

The fact of the matter is for Locke, there is no such thing as "out of character". When you're that charismatic, that intelligent, that prophetic, your personality is in a constant state of flux. Your character is something you make up as you go along in your perennial struggle for glory and transcendence. Everything you do is in character, because everything you do is destiny.

So I for one wasn't at all surprised when Locke, just before the first advert break of episode 13, holding Ben at gunpoint, explained, "I'm not looking for Jack – I'm looking for the submarine", and not just because I'd already seen that clip on youtube weeks ago. I wasn't even surprised, and realised just as quickly as Ben (who is, despite being still a good five years away from achieving the sexy/menacing shaven-headed Locke-look, at times almost as great as Locke himself) that Locke wasn't looking for the submarine so he could go home. He was looking for it because he still needed something else to blow up. Two DHARMA Initiative Stations is not enough (if you count Locke as being ultimately responsible for the implosion of The Swan, which I do because implosions are ace, and if you count implosions as explosions, which I do, because I'm ace) – and they weren't going anywhere anyway. He needed to get rid of something that had the potential to do something truly ridiculous to people: take them home. Everyone knows you can never go home anyway, but as only Locke has realised, you shouldn't even want to.

What's more, I wasn't even surprised when Locke joined the others and has now gone with them, wherever they went in episode fifteen. (Apparently, we aren't even going to see him again until episode nineteen – why it couldn't been for that month I was offline I can only think of one reason: I, unlike Locke, am not a man of destiny. Next to him, as are we all, I am nothing). That said, I was a bit taken aback when Locke's daddy turned up on the island, apparently as a prisoner of the others. This is because Locke is the daddy and therefore cannot logically have a daddy. I still believe what his ginger-haired schizophrenic pseudo-mother told him back in series one: he was immaculately conceived. He is, at the very least and as a fictional character, an immaculate conception.

What next for John? Locke knows.

Locke John Locke Lost 'The Man From Tallahassee' 'Left Behind'

John Locke: Your friend and murderer.

2007-03-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

This week, a relatively new character, "Patchy" had the distinct honour and privilege of being personally killed by Locke. I say honour and privilege, of course, because Patchy's last words before suffering a fatal seizure of some kind, were "thank you". Thank you John Locke. If you have to be killed, who better to be killed by than Mr Locke? That sort of attitude will get you far in life. I suspect that although he's dead, we haven't seen the last of Patchy.

But anyway, John. Here is the American trailer for next week's episode, which I can reveal, with my hand firmly in my trousers, is a "Locke-centric" episode! YES!

The trailer is appropriately obsequious and pretentious, describing John Locke as a "warrior" and a "leader of men". Looks like he's got more stuff still to blow up. Good Lord, is he the greatest man who ever lived?

So we're going to find out how on earth any natural force known to man could possibly have confined Locke to a wheelchair for four years. I can't wait.

Locke John-Locke Lost Par Avion

Locke, Master of Games.

2007-03-09T00:43:00.000-08:00

This week, on "Enter 77", we saw Locke beat a chess computer effortlessly, in a matter of minutes.
Never mind that the man who'd been living with the chess computer for 11 years had never beaten it. Is there no end to this man's talent? I suspect not.

We've seen Locke playing games before, and pontificating on their meaning and significance. One of the first things he did after the crash was set up a nice friendly, intimidating game of backgammon with a young boy called Walt, who incidentally had magical powers, not that this bothered our John much.
"Backgammon is the oldest game in the world. Archaeologists found sets when they excavated the ruins of ancient Mesopotamia. Five thousand years old. That's older than Jesus Christ...But their dice weren't made of plastic. Their dice were made of bones...Two players. Two sides. One is light. One is dark..."

After beating the chess computer "progammed by three grand masters" in about two and half minutes, John stumbled across some prerecorded instructions...

Moments later, the whole place was blown to kingdom come. Quoth John, "the computer said if there was an incursion by the hostiles, that I should enter "77". So I entered "77"."

BOOM.

Proof, if proof were needed that from the very beginning, and even now, Locke knows a great deal that we don't.

Locke John-Locke Lost Enter 77

Upstanding John

2007-03-07T03:54:00.000-08:00

Both on and off the island, John Locke’s adult life had been marked by an uneasy relationship with his own legs. Before the crash, he’d been in a wheelchair, unable to walk. Embarrassingly for him, he’d had to be carried to his seat on the plane. Worse, the only reason he was on that particular plane in the first place was because he was rejected from going on an Australian walkabout, “a journey of spiritual renewal, where one draws strength from the earth, becomes inseparable from it”, as he enigmatically described it to his superior, who was in fact his inferior. Why was he rejected? Because he couldn’t walk. And how could a man who couldn’t walk go walkabout? Such was the logic of the idiots who stood between John and his destiny. In actual fact, the only thing that really stood between destiny and John was his own legs. Who said Americans have no sense of irony? (Well, lots of people – but with John Locke, as usual, the normal rules don’t apply).

Transcendence.

John, as we’ve already established, was the only person to survive the plane crash in a better physical and spiritual condition than he was in beforehand. He may well be the only person in history to achieve this. It wasn’t very long after his fellow survivors began to realise they weren’t going to be rescued any time soon, that John realised he really didn’t want to be rescued anyway. Now that he could use his legs again, he was really starting to his enjoy his morning killing rampages in the jungle. Every now and again, he’d find something mysterious among the coconuts, mango trees and polar bear carcasses; like a strange hatch buried in the ground with no obvious way of getting inside, or a packet of coffee. It was also because of his legs that John came across more of his inferiors – his fellow survivors. These people John couldn’t really have much respect for, and spent most of his time with them telling bewildering, cryptic stories about Michelangelo and psychic dogs; or meditating on the symbolism he saw in a simple game of backgammon; or hitting them over the head, drugging them, and tying them to trees. John did all these things for their own good. None of them would ever have been possible, to be sure, if it weren’t for John’s legs.

Locke John-Locke Lost

Upcoming John

2007-02-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

Next week's episode of 'Lost', "Trisha Tanaka is Dead" (broadcast in America at 10pm on Wednesday, available to download through bittorrent moments afterwards) looks very likely to feature Locke. This, alone, I am convinced, will bring Lost's apparently falling ratings back up to a well deserved two hundred thousand billion. It's obvious. After all, who would you rather look at - this man:

or this man:

No contest. One is a smarmy, self-righteous git; the other is a sweaty - in fact, heroically sweaty - guru who's insight into the nature of the island and destiny will doubtlessly save us all. He's also bald, which is ace. Jack will never be bald, just look at his hairline. Locke probably went bald when he was 14, which is why he always got all the girls. (The only reason he doesn't get any girls on the island is because he's transcended petty things like sex and intimacy for genius, heroism and killing stuff. If he wanted to, he could have Claire, Kate, Sun, Julliet and that creepy "sheriff" lady from last week, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. But he doesn't want to. He's got more important things to do). OK?

Locke John-Locke Lost

12 Reasons Why John Locke is a Better Human Being Than You Are.

2007-02-20T12:18:00.001-08:00

As we've already established, when John Locke is in a plane crash, it doesn't kill him but actually heals him. If you were in a plane crash, you'd die. Or end up as an extra on a television programme.
When you get some crazy idea in your head about running off into the jungle, that's just what it is: a crazy idea. When Locke gets one, it's destiny.
When John Locke takes your heroin stash off you, you don't beat him up. Such is Locke's power, you just overcome your heroin addiction.
Locke's father conned him into giving him his kidney, then abandoned him. Locke forgave him. Bet you couldn't do that.
Years ago, Locke was a member of a commune. When driving through the entrance in his truck, he gave a young boy called Bobby a big bag of jelly beans.
According to his mother (who was, admittedly, a schizophrenic and a ginger) John was immaculately conceived. If this is true, Locke has no daddy. Which means that Locke is the daddy.
One of the first things he did after crashing on the island was teach a young boy called Walt (who, coincidentally, had daddy issues) how to play backgammon.
Locke killed a polar bear with a can of hairspray, like he'd done it a million times before. Which in his head, he probably had.
If he feels like it, he'll come into the bathroom while you're in the shower and borrow your razor. But he doesn't have to: he can shave himself with a hunting knife. Like Crocodile Dundee, only much, much better.
Locke can make powerful hallucinogenic drugs out of mud.
Locke can build a tent in 30 seconds out of thin air.
Only John Locke can look straight into "the eye of the island" - a monster made of swirling black smoke - without crapping his pants.

Locke John-Locke Lost

The Man Who Fell Out of the Sky

2007-02-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

Things weren't going particularly well for Mr John Locke before he crashed on an island in the South Pacific, somewhere. For most people - ordinary people like you and me - being in a plane crash is the sort of thing you'd regard as something of a low point in your life. There you are, comfortably and absent-mindedly staring out the window at soft, white clouds when - KERBLAM! - Desmond doesn't enter the numbers into the computer quickly enough, there's a mysterious electromagnetic discharge and you're hurtling towards the earth where moments later you wash up on a beach with heroin addicts, ex-Iraqi soldiers, pompus spinal surgeons, con men and fat bastards. Shit.

But for John, being in a plane crash turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. When he survived the crash not only pretty much unscathed but actually in a better physical condition than he had been beforehand, that's when he first realised he was special.

You see, before the crash, Locke lived in a wheelchair, worked a crappy, meaningless job and spent his evenings trying desperately, pathetically to get a chat line worker called Helen to go on an "authentic Australian walkabout" with him. (Hint: when something has to describe itself as "authentic", that's a guarantee it isn't). But when he woke up on the beach, things were very different. He could walk. He had a sexy, enigmatic scar and a suitcase full of knives. "Cool" thought John, and ran off into the jungle to kill stuff.

Locke John-Locke Lost